Longing
by Ann aspiring writer
Summary: She lets go of everything, except the longing. So she must meet the generous client who requested her at the end. Nobu and Sayuri
1. Chapter 1

I`ve always cherished, somewhere in my heart, the belief that longing is the strongest feeling of them all, the deepest emotion anyone can feel. Because it knows no bounds, doesn`t abide by mind`s carefully constructed rules and, most importantly, never deserts you. Once it`s settled in your being, it builds a nest inside and continues to grow throughout your life. Even during the utmost happiness or the drowning despair, the life of one who feels it is permeated, like the delicate petals of flowers in the transient wind of spring.

I`ve longed for something my entire life. I know how it feels to contain yourself to hopeless, unrequited earning every second of every fleeting thought. And I settled for it, succumbed to the notion of it being there, somewhere alongside the lines that so graciously shape my life. I am prone to dream about other chances, other destinies mapped out in front of me, willing to carry my footstepts to different outcomes. I am content to feed on whims, to prey on soft, inarticulate looks and ethereally beautiful moments of what ifs. I was never capable to possess the strength to demand more than this, to seek the concrete walls of an ordinary existence.

So now all I can do is understand. That all is lost when it comes to him, that the little girl on the bridge will have to embrace the soothing mists of the past as all there will ever be, that geishas don`t fulfill their hidden expectations or foolish chymeras. That a lifetime stuck in silence is the ony, the wisest way to proceed when it comes to the Chairman. So I do the understanding, but I can`t deject the longing – it`s ironic how we long for things that vanish, even thought the feeling itself never does. Because I can`t replace longing with numbness, for I`ll drown in my own lonely soul, just like my eyes have always cautioned me against. I can`t replace the longing, I cannot even ignore it. But I can choose to feel it, a secret yet ubiquitous part of me at the same time, like an inward projection of the bottom of the sea.

Sometimes there is more strength in letting go than in pushing thorough, because of its finality. I am aware that I will never get what I wanted for so many years and I choose not to be consumed by the lingering traces of despair. I won`t turn to drinking away my sorrows, to losing myself in some distant part of the world, to turning bitter and angry, like that phantasm of a girl that ruled over me as a child, though I understand her all too well now. It`s easy to slip, it`s unbearably hard to keep your balance. That`s why I consider myself strong now.

I know I disgraced myself almost beyond repair that night with the foreigner. I only wanted to distance myself from Nobu, to show him that my life still belongs to me, though I`ve always suspected that it doesn`t, not really. I wanted for him to lose me, but it turns out I lost something just as painfully then. But can you lose something that you never had...I don`t believe in that anymore. I never had the Chairman, I never would have anyway. I`ve only torn apart the roots of my emotions for him, I turned him from a hopeless dream to an overwhelming certainty of nothingness. It may even be better this way, for now I can more resolutely perform my duties and complete my responsibilities as a geisha – that is, if I still am looked upon as one, after my humiliating behavior.

It seems that I had to deprive myself of any remaining pretense at love, in order to see my life for what it is.

The words ring surprisingly clear in my ears. For a moment, I almost can`t believe them – the sole possibility of someone ever wanting me again after my reproachable conduct seems like another one of my foolish, but oh-so sweet fantasies. I m overwhelmed by the notion that anyone would seek me now, single me out as a suitable companion – someone who is generous and important, on top of it all. Perhaps generous enough to forgive, to understand my lacks of judgement when I can`t come to terms with them myself. But I know now that, as my heart dies a slow death, it isn`t the Chairman. He doesn`t need me, not so completely as to openly call for me after everything has been said and done.

Maybe it is Nobu, though he surely must be aware of the rumors. Of the truths, I remind myself bitterly. He said to me that I would be death to him if I gave myself to another particular statement started the whole train of thought, has set in motion that mistake. Perhaps it was a confession of his affections, it strikes me now, after the initial shock of his bluntness subsided. Perhaps he meant it, or perhaps not. Perhaps he would endure, as we all do. But I can`t ponder on that too long, either, I don`t want to account for its implications.

So I prepare myself the best way I can, use all the beauty tricks I`ve learnt throughout the years to entrance this generous suitor. I have my hair combed, then tamed into an intricate style that manages to bring out my features. I paint my face white, a not so fitting color after all, but I have to admit that it feels like a shiled from all my thoughts, along with the red lips and coal-black eyeliner. A shield from memories, a protector from longing. A protector from that part of me that still longs for freedom, that wants to be in control of my own destiny, though I`ve vowed never to entertain such perilous thoughts again.

I feel curiosity rise in my chest as the time of the meeting approaches and I welcome the feeling like an old friend, distracting me from the underlying longing. It`s the best I can do now and I hope with all my heart that it will be enough. I`m once again in no position to demand and certainly in no position to refuse. My mind has already been made.

The place my suitor has chosen is a garden I remember admiring once before, a long time ago. Perhaps even before the war. It`s a beautiful place, with raw and vivid flowers of eye-catching colors and somehow frail, elegant trees that guide it from afar. It`s funny how the flowers seem the strong ones, while the trees are supposed to watch over them. It`s a very private, intimate place and it seems to contain the dizziness of anticipation it its air.

I`m here a little early, taking in my surrounding, deriving pleasure from nature`s unchangeable, unsurpassable beauty. I wonder what will become of me as the years pass by. The hair whitens, the waist becomes more plump, the red lips lose their charm. Only the eyes remain, holding a story not many can decipher.

And then I happen to see the person approaching, with demure, steady steps, bringing with him the more serious colours of autumn and the harshness of winter. And I think about the sea changing itself under the guidance of every season, yet staying true to its dream-like nature.

 _It is Nobu._

Honestly, I don`t think I expected anyone else anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

The sheer imposibility of him ever seeking to meet me again should hit me like a ton of bricks, like the waves crashing thunderously on the shore, drawning every illusion. But somehow, I feel like I`ve been expecting it more than I would have thought possible. Because I, better than anyone, understand how hard it is to let go, when all you want is to keep holding on to the tiny drops of sand filtering through your fingers. You`d like to cherish them in your palm forever, even as they keep falling apart. So I know how he feels, how he wanted to hate me, to never set eyes on me again, but at the same time could not.

Life is a strange little piece, in which letting go equals eternal unhappiness by strangling any real chance, while hoping against hope hits you every moment with the futility of another wasted dream.

You can`t ever be happy when you love, not in this place at least.

He approaches me with what feels like resignation. Or perhaps disgust, though I gather it must be a mixture of the two.

„Tell me why, Sayuri."His stare is cold, unblinking, as if he is talking down to some business partner, foolish enough to mess up with him. „Am I so disgusting to you, have I always been? A creature you lie to, whom you secretly despise? Am I not good enough for you, a geisha, when this is all you can hope for?"

He churns me with his words, his loneliness, his failed expectations.

„I am afraid it is I who failed. I am unworthy of your affection, if there ever was one. Forgive me."

„If there ever was one? Are you so daft? Can`t you really see how much it humiliates me, how much it pains me to still feel for you? I wanted to rise again, if only to make you proud. To make you see me, because I used to lie to myself that you were the only one that could. I did love you and I care for you still. But why would you tangle yourself up with the likes of him? To get rid of me?"

I want to put into words all that I felt then, without insulting him futher, but I know how stubborn he can be, how he might read everything I say as an untruth. But he is here now, talking to me, inquiring about my motives, so I choose to answer.

„Yes, I wronged everyone, I disgraced myself, I hurt you. I did it to get rid of you. " I don`t look at his face while I say it, but my next words compell me to discern his feelings in the anger of his eyes. „I did it because I was bitter and scared and tired of it all. And it has always scared me, the way I knew you feel for me. It`s so much more than the Baron, or the Doctor, or everyone else did. You wanted me to be yours, even though I was grieving for all the hopes thet I had lost. Even though I didn`t know if I could take being a geisha anymore. And I wanted to escape, although it was selfish, I know. And childish and foolish. I was just like that little girl trying to escape by climbing on the roof of an okya, falling and breaking an arm. Ruining all her prospects."

He doesn`t know what I am talking about, of course. He isn`t familiar with who I was before, but I hope he still understands. „Sometimes, I feel that I am drowning in rivers of sadness, of everything that could have been, but isn`t. And I know I never gave you reason to suspect it, I am a geisha. But I have feelings. And I know I`ve made a mistake, trying to escape one of the few good things in my life. So please, forgive me."

„Honestly, I`ve always known that part of you is a facade. A carefully constructed, beautiful one, but a role nonetheless. Even you can`t hide it, not forever. And I feel like I`ve known you since forever. Is there even an ounce of truth in your confession?"

„If there wasn`t, I wouldn`t make it. If there wasn`t, I wouldn`t be here. Still being a geisha."

„Then I forgive you. I also am sorry for shoving my attentions on you, I thought it was done by the geisha`s customs, by the path to win your heart. But it clearly wasn`t. So I`ll leave you alone, Sayuri, if that`s what you wish for."

He is standing on a cliff, holding a token of love in his hand, preparing to let it go and wave goodbye one last time. But it`s better, I believe, to live with love than with longing. Love is transient, longing is permanent.

„I do not wish to be left alone, not now. I came to terms with some thoughts that have kept me apart from sleep for many nights and I apologize a thousand times for what I did then. It was abject, it was unfair and most of all, it was undeserved. You have always shown me the truth, this I do know. And I was so deceiving that I find myself unable to look at myself with anything but disgust. But it had to be done, I believe. And I hope you will find it in your resourcefulness to let it pass. "

He exhales, getting rid of the air he`s been uncounciously holding for many long moments. The anger in him has subsided for now, replaced with thoughts I cannot fathom.

„I too wish to let it all pass. Like any other terrible pain in my life, I choose to look beyond it. I don`t think I could go on without you, Sayuri. Not now, after all these years of aquaintance. Of hoping. So I`ll ask again, as directly as possible. I`m asking you, with no hidden meanings, no tokens and stupid geisha customs. Would you accept me as your danna?"

I hold my breath for a moment. This is it. The logical conclusion, the rational outcome of letting go. For what else could a geisha hope for – a wealthy and generous danna to ensure her stability. Even more so, I am fond of him, I know. Not that heart-melting feeling of surreal dream I used to save only for the Chairman, but a rooted and reliable affection.

It was only for the better, perhaps. Had I been the Chairman`s, it is possibile that I wouldn`t have been able to carry on should his feelings have strayed away from me at some point in time. I tell myself over and over that a love like that couldn`t have been healthy, with it`s all-consuming and prolonged passion.

„I would."

Suddenly unsure of himself, he turns his head away from me to hide away the ghost of a tremulous smile. I know better than to disturb him in his...victory? Happiness? What dare I call it? It must be pleasing to get what you wanted all along, to glow in the aftermath of a torturous yet rewarding battle.

I wouldn`t know.

„Then I will make all the necessary arrangements. That is, if you really mean it. I don`t want you changing your mind and doing something foolish."

„You promised me you`d let it pass." I try to keep my voice from sounding reproachful. It wouldn`t do to berate my future danna over something he`d said. It wouldn`t do to berate Nobu, after everything.

„I did. But it`s so hard to allow yourself to believe it will turn out `s so hard for me to do so when it never does." There is a strange gleam in his eyes, as if he`s thought about it a million times and he just happens to say it out loud.

„This time, I will try my best to ensure that it will." It isn`t hard to smile this time. Perhaps this time I will make him see that good comes from anything if you look close enough.


End file.
